secretlytodream: (heaven_hell)
[personal profile] secretlytodream
This is for my puppy [livejournal.com profile] auntshoe! Happy birthday again bb! ♥ ♥ ♥
And huge thanks to my awesome beta [livejournal.com profile] sulfuricfusion, who is always up to work on my little somethings ♥
Comments are always ♥

It’s like walking on snow, without leaving a trace.
(Dean, Sam; AU; PG-13; ~1500 words)

Red snow is falling on the ground
As deadly silence fills the space;
I know there is no one around.
It’s over; death has left the trace.


Vasilisa Lisitsyna

When Sam says "yes," Dean is there, and he has no soul to sell for his brother.

Time doesn’t stop, and oceans aren’t boiling; frogs aren’t falling from the skies. Time doesn’t stop for anyone. It never does.

He says, "Don’t leave me, Dean," looking him straight in the eyes as if trying to reach down into his soul to convince him to stay, convince him that he did the right thing.

"I already did," Dean answers, sadness in his voice, because he’s known this all along. He’s been there once before, lived through it already.

"I’m cold," Sam says, and his hands are trembling. Dean doesn’t remember ever seeing his brother’s hands trembling – always so steady, so sure, so strong.

"You walked too much," Dean tells him, lowering his head, watching the snow melting under his feet. "You walked too far."

There’s no ‘too far’ for them, Dean tries to remind himself. There’s always a choice and a way out. But now Dean doesn’t have a soul to sell for his brother, only this deep black hole inside of him, bottomless, so big he’s not sure how he’s made it this far. Too far.

Dean watches the snow, his brother’s feet, and he thinks, absentmindedly, that maybe he still has time; he can still make it right. He’s already made his choice in his head, though his heart still doesn’t want to believe it.

Dean watches the knife, the same knife he’s held so many times before, ripping warm flesh, and he’s watching another demon dying. He knows how it is, when the blade cuts through the soft skin, then the muscle, straight to the heart. He watches his brother’s feet, switching his gaze from the blade to Sam.

He’s played this situation in his head so many times since he saw the future, and he’s thought about all the little details. He’s thought about what he would do and how, he’s thought about all the ways out and all the ends; all the "if onlys" and "what ifs." And still, every time, he’s ended up here, in Detroit, watching his brother, moving his gaze from the blade to Sam.

"I tried," Dean says, feeling his voice trembling. He thought he could do it, he thought he wouldn’t be so scared. He’s not afraid of the darkness, he’s not afraid of death. He’s afraid of what comes after it, of where he will be. With or without his brother.

"Yeah, me too," Sam answers, and for a moment Dean thinks that Sam knows everything. That he knew it from the very beginning, since Dean told him that they were going to make their own future. For a moment Dean thinks his brother’s eyes blank with a glimpse of darkness.

His fear is so black that for a moment that Dean thinks the sky goes red. He thought that the moment Sam said “yes” everything would die. Except them – Sam to see it all, and Dean to see his brother watching the end and smiling at the sight.

Dean holds the knife, thinking about stopping. Going away, leaving his… Sam, not looking back. And the very next moment he knows he can’t do it, he knows he’s the only one who survived. He grips the knife tightly.

Dean makes a step forward, closer to the body that used to be his brother, and he wonders if Sam recognizes him. He’s not sure, he hasn’t been for awhile now, and he doesn’t know what else to do. He takes one more step, hearing the crisping snow under his boots, and he takes a breath.

"I’ll be right here," he says, as quietly as he can, because he doesn’t trust his voice. Sam doesn’t move, just watches him, eyes a thin line of almost black. Dean wants to turn away, doesn’t want to see it, not on his baby brother’s face, but he makes himself look straight into depthless black eyes, accepting the present, accepting the future.

They’re standing so close, they are practically sharing the same air – cold and freezing, and Dean feels the numbness in his fingers. Sam smiles, almost like his brother, and Dean feels his heart skipping a beat. Then another one. He thinks he’s dead, maybe long since this moment, long before he sold his soul for the first time in the long line of deals.

Sam’s taller, always has been since he turned fifteen. And now he looks at Dean from the top, and it’s different than it was before. He shouldn’t wait any more, but he can’t make himself move. He shouldn’t be looking Sam in the eyes, feeling like he’s drowning in the darkness, but he can’t turn away. He can’t go away.

He puts his hand on the back of Sam’s neck, feeling the soft curls there, and lets himself loose his fingers in the hair. Sam’s smiling. Dean feels Sam’s smile, not looking back from the fascinating eyes. He breathes in, takes a last breath because he knows there won’t be anything after.

Sam’s doesn’t make any sound, he doesn’t even gasp. He just looks at Dean with wide eyes and Dean almost thinks that it’s his brother, his Sam, young and lost, needed to be protected. Dean catches him when Sam falls down on his knees, into the cold snow. His jeans are dirty with blood and something else, and Dean really doesn’t give a shit about it right now. He catches his brother, gripping the knife even stronger, feeling the blade rip the flesh – warm and soft, Dean knows it – and he can’t do it anymore. He feels the cold lines of something wet on his cheeks, and his vision is blurred, and he doesn’t see anything, doesn’t see the darkness coming and the grey sky above the head. His world comes down to his brother’s face and his eyes – crystal clear, with the tint of hazel, and the look on Sam’s face belongs to his brother, not the stranger in his body.

He holds his brother and the tears silently stream down his cheeks, falling on Sam’s dark hair, and his forehead. Dean tries to breathe, but it feels like there’s no air left in the world, because his brother took it all away with his last breath. Dean holds him tighter, embracing not only the human body, but everything that’s left after it. All the dead traces and all the blood lines. All the bodies and saved ones. Dean knows he’s a part of it. Dean knows that in some way he started all of it, saving Sam from that fire when Jess died.

He knows that soon they’ll be gone, both of them, and there won’t be anything but cold ground, and the snow will melt soon, taking with him the red drops on the white carpet. Dean wishes he could erase everything like this and start all over again, like the nature comes to life each spring. The only problem is, that autumn everything died for good. And that winter everything will be buried underneath.

They have no one left to burn their bodies, and no one to bury them underground. Only the cold snow all around them for miles, somewhere with black spots where it melted.

Dean feels the body in his hands going limp, and he knows that this is the end. The end of everything, and he still can’t breathe. He takes his favorite gun, feels the weight of the metal in his hand, and he thinks that, finally, it’ll be over. The long road down to this moment, the trail of blood and bodies, friends and families, of him and his brother. Dean doesn’t hear anything, doesn’t hear the sound of the wind, doesn’t hear the sound of his brother breathing.

He knows he won’t go to hell, and he knows he won’t meet Sam There. Hell broke loose. Hell is now on Earth, and they won’t stay long here, not this time.

Dean presses the barrel of the gun to his temple and closes his eyes. The darkness under his eyelids seems lighter than the one that was around them. He finally feels the warm inside his body. He can finally breathe.

They say there’s always something left after someone goes away. There’s always something for others. But when there’s no one left, there’s nothing to leave behind, and no one to hold on to, and you can let go, losing yourself in the emptiness which used to be your whole universe. The whole world focused on the one person you have to let go and whose place now belongs to nothingness, colored with blood, without a trace of the person you used to be.

~end.

Free Hit Counter

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] damntastic.livejournal.com
Dude, as I've already told you, it's hauntingly awesome! You should post fics as often as vids, haha :D

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
so people would be scared away completely? lol Don't forget - I'm a child of the Devil :P

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] paceyringwald.livejournal.com
No no no no no no no no no!!! :(((

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
I'm afraid this one had to ended like that bb :(

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Date: 2010-01-18 08:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cherie-morte.livejournal.com
Oww! My heart! Lovely--but OW.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
*hugs*
Yeah, I know :\

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lady-eilthana.livejournal.com
Uh... this was heartbreaking. ;__;
But good.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Glad you liked it. No matter what ♥

(no subject)

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From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com - Date: 2010-01-18 09:03 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com - Date: 2010-01-19 09:18 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sanann.livejournal.com
you're evil.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:52 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trinipedia.livejournal.com
*is broken*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
*sits right next, broken, too*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 09:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] werty30.livejournal.com
Sad and beautiful. It really shows that the fic is written by an artist, the imagery is so vivid.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Really? I'm so glad you saw the image that was in my head! ♥
Thank you :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 09:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] winchesterhaunt.livejournal.com
That was heartbreaking. You just made the receptionist sad... these people in the lobby are giving my tearful sniffs an odd look. O.o

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 11:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
:(

Can't say I'm not glad to hear that though lol I kinda wanted the readers to feel like that :) Thanks for commenting! ^_^

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 10:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greyowl88.livejournal.com
I appreciate you breaking my heart.
I'll go seek therapy now....
(Actually this is wonderfully written! Thanks for posting.)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-18 11:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Thanks for commenting :) And sorry for breaking your heart :\

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 08:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tiggeratl1.livejournal.com
*sniffle... waaaaaaa* Sammy... Dean.... waaaaaa!

ooooo Maria, that was just haunting!! Dayyum girl, and you said you weren't that good of a writer. pfffft. This was just some beautiful, terrific writing here!!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 08:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
oh...WOW! I'm so glad you liked that one bb! *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 08:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roadtripper666.livejournal.com
Now this I could live with, if it ended that way it would be complete. Thank you for sharing. It was beautiful and amazing.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 08:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Thank you for commenting :) glad you liked this variant of events.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 12:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mangacat201.livejournal.com
Huh... can't say I got it. But i don't think that was the point either. It struck a chord... that was the plan, was it? Great imagery.
Cat

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 12:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Well, I didn't want to write this fic, like "he said this, then went there and did that", so I'm glad it wasn't so clear for you :) Glad you liked it, though! Thanks!

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] mangacat201.livejournal.com - Date: 2010-01-19 01:42 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 01:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] josieb1.livejournal.com
Very very sad, but thank you so much for sharing it

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 01:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Thank YOU for commenting! :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 03:47 pm (UTC)
ext_318595: (Iz die *drops dead*)
From: [identity profile] hollow-death.livejournal.com
I think this is kind of beautiful and heart breaking! <3

Nicely done!

Makes me go "Noooooooooo!" and "Awwwwwwwwwwww" at the same time! Lol And I would look weird too.. But I feel like this.. Lol

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Thank you! Glad you liked it :) And yeah....I really don't want the story to end like this, just needed to get it out of my system :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 03:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fleshflutter.livejournal.com
Oh you break my heart! Such beautiful imagery in this! <3

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Woah, thanks so much! It really means a lot coming from you ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] auntshoe.livejournal.com
Лоооооооооооооооооооооооооооооокс, ну это же так грустнооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооо!!! Мне теперь нужна тонна шоколада, чтобы заесть горе!
Но на самом деле оно хоть и сердцеразрывающее, но такое... правильное(( Знаю я, что с их жизнью у них не получится никаких "на Импале в закат" (только если как у тебя в книге :D). Ты офигенно пишешь - когда читала, было такое чувство, будто я там рядом стою и чувствую и снег под ногами, и холод, и все так видно - отчетливо и больно(((( Это... совершенно охренительно красиво. Хоть и грустно, да((
Спасибо тебе огромное, зая!!! Талантище ты!! You totally made my birthday! *тискает за щечки, поливая при этом слезами*
мурррр!)))))))))))))))))))))

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 06:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Я что-то ниогда не могу подарить человеку то, что ему нравится. Ну, в проекте. Я бы за радость написала милый-милый флафф, с хэппи эндом и все дела....Но не смогла его родить :\ В сове оправдание могу сказать - что тут эпик лав прет из всех дыр, и в моем понимании вот оно такое и должно быть. Этот эпик лав в смысле.

Ну....а тебе шукулад можно, в чем проблема?)))))

Ммм...у меня в книге?))) чувак, я книги пока не пишу ))))))))))) Ну....закат может быть и не в прямом смысле....Закат всего человечества, к примеру ))) И мне на самом деле было реально холодно в комнате сидеть, пока я писала, и я все думала, за каким хреном я открывала окно, чтобы проветрить xD

ЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЫ!!!!! *сидит довольная, как баран*

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] auntshoe.livejournal.com - Date: 2010-01-19 06:45 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com - Date: 2010-01-19 06:49 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] auntshoe.livejournal.com - Date: 2010-01-19 07:12 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mimblexwimble.livejournal.com
Oh, lovely and sad.

Great job!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-19 06:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Thanks bb! ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-20 02:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenblue26.livejournal.com
you mean we can't save him??? noo!!!
very nicely done though.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-20 06:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Well, I don't know *shrugs* This was just one of the many ways to end it all.
Thank you :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-21 02:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] still404ing.livejournal.com
I really can't find the words to explain how I feel about this.. It's just so sad and heartbreaking ans sooo Sam&Dean it hurts.
I loved the way you wrote it, it's like I can see it happening inside my head.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-21 07:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm really glad you liked this, even though it's really kinda sad :(

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-22 01:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nebelkind494.livejournal.com
oh my god!! I am so crying right now!!
First Time I read a fic on english, I always thought I can't read english that good.
But I guess I can!!
wow... goosebomb from the beginning... and tears in my eyes.
Just wow... Have to print it out.
Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-22 04:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Thank you for reading bb :) *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-26 09:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rallia-dreamer.livejournal.com
OH MY GOSH!! that's so sad!!! :( i didnt know what i was about to read and it captured me from the first lines!! you are multitalented girl! I admire you!!!
I a m immediately sending this to my sister to read(although she has already cried her eyes out just by telling her the summary! LOL

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-29 12:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
OMG WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH! ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-30 11:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-phoenixdragon.livejournal.com
Dammit!! That was so good and terrible and beautiful an haunting and sad and...

*Sobs*

Thank you...

(no subject)

Date: 2010-01-30 11:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Thank YOU! I'm really glad you liked it :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-03 04:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] unfrosted-cake.livejournal.com
Oh.

Oh, oh, oh...

And he just kept repeating "his brother..."

*cries*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-03 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Yeah, because he was his brother no matter what :'(

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-03 01:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aegean-lethe.livejournal.com
OH MY DEAR GOD
i really didn't see this end coming
but i guess that's the only way out, right?
BUT damn, it still hurts

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-03 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretlytodream.livejournal.com
Well, if Sam says "yes" - I can see only this. If there'll be a happy ending no matter what - I'm all for it.

(no subject)

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(no subject)

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